October 29, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

communitygroups

Both spouses face challenges when one comes out

by Carolyn Helmuth

While dining in a comfortable restaurant, enjoying a hot cup of soup on a cold February day, a married couple sat discussing their slightly troubled relationship.

She suggested, "Perhaps we should talk with someone and see if we can work this

out.

""

He nervously replied, “I think it may be too late. I am gay.

While his words sank in, she quickly reviewed the last 22 years of their marriage and wondered what had gone wrong.

"How can this be, we are married with two children? Why are you telling me now you are gay?"

Taking a brisk walk during her lunch hour, a 45-year-old woman told a female colleague about her affair and subsequent divorce.

"Are you going to marry the person you left your husband for?" asked the colleague. The woman replied that the person she had had an affair with was a woman.

"If that is what you want, I am happy for you. But you just don't fit the pattern, having been married for 25 years, came the answer in a surprised voice.

In the 1940s Dr. Alfred Kinsey asserted that approximately 10% of the population was gay. Other studies throughout the years have ranged from 5% to 10%, and this has roughly been the same during all eras, and in all cultures and climates.

However, a smaller percentage of gay people actually live an active life congruent with their sexual orientation.

Amity Buxton, Ph.D., author of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming Out Crisis for Straight Spouses, estimates that 20% of gay men and 18-35% of lesbians are in heterosexual marriages.

A question comes to mind: If someone is gay or lesbian, why do they get married? The majority of gays and lesbians marry either because they are not aware they are gay, or because they are trying to squelch their gay feelings. They may want to have children, or are accommodating societal pressure. Some open gay men and lesbians marry someone of the opposite sex out of a strong desire to be married and have a family.

My counseling practice confirms other research findings indicating that gays and lesbians who get married do not deliberately set out to deceive their spouses or to hide their sexual orientation.

More often than not, they are deceiving themselves, they are not fully aware of or accepting of their own homosexual feelings. When the gay man or woman begins to wrestle with and then becomes more accepting of their feelings, tensions arise within the marriage and the truth ultimately surfaces. This causes tremendous turmoil in both spouses.

A client sat in my office, hugging her

knees, rocking back and forth crying about how very hurtful her husband's coming out was to her.

"This has got to be an ugly joke," she said. "What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? How can I tell my friends?"

Because of how society can view homosexuality, many straight spouses go into the closet as their partner becomes more comfortable with his or her gayness. The straight spouse's emotions can range from anger, to guilt, to blame, to shame and embarrassment. They worry about what others will say, and with whom can they talk Their own sexual identity and attractiveness come into question. The straight spouse in a mixed sexual orientation marriage must also be concerned with issues relating to safe sex, sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS.

An attractive woman in her mid 30s, after a ten-year marriage poses the question, “If my husband lied to me about his sexual orientation, then what about our marriage? Isn't the whole thing a lie, a farce?"

This is a common perception held by the straight spouse. If the gay partner's "true" interests have "always" been homosexually directed, then it seems the marriage must have been a lie as well.

The straight spouse is not the only one hurt when a gay or lesbian partner accepts his or her sexual orientation. Richard Isley, a Manhattan psychiatrist and author of Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance wrote, "For gays, it means giving up a longtime intimate relationship for what, to him, is often unknown, including the prejudice of our society."

Isley further stated that many gay men are bonded to and love their wives very much. Coming out for the gay individual often follows the emotional turmoil of having hidden and filtered their feelings and identity. For the married gay individual, the turmoil of becoming more accepting of his or her sexual orientation is complicated by feelings of guilt and shame for the hurt it is causing their family

Frank (not his real name) spoke with anguish, tears streaming down his face, "This whole thing is painful beyond belief. I love my wife. She is a great person, a good mother to my children. She is my very best friend but I feel differently when I am with a man. I feel more alive and more myself. How can I tell her? How can I tell her it is not her fault?”

How do mixed sexual orientation marriages survive? When a gay identity is disclosed to a straight spouse, the marriage immediately changes. The straight spouse at first thinks it is a phase or perhaps a mid-life crisis, and that with enough love and attention the homosexual feelings can be cured, or at best be put aside. However, that is an incorrect assumption. A high percentage of these marriages eventually end in divorce.

What happens in some marriages, even when the straight spouse is experiencing pain and hurt, is that the straight spouse

Re-Elect a person who has demonstrated that she is serious about constituent representation and human rights.

Nancy J.

Roth

Lakewood City Council Ward 4

Paid for by Friends of Nancy Roth, 12700 Lake Avenue. Chris Keim, Treasurer

becomes supportive and nurturing of their gay partner's situation, The straight spouse may even compromise his or her own sexual fulfillment in order to save the marriage. The downside of this scenario is that the straight spouse is prone to push back their own recovery and growth as they assist their partner's transition to a new life.

When a gay identity is disclosed to a straight spouse, the marriage immediately changes.

According to other research, approximately one-third of mixed sexual orientation marriages stay together. These couples stay together because they love each other very much, have a history together, and often have children as well. Keeping such a marriage together requires open communication, negotiation and compromise on the part of both spouses. It takes time, patience and understanding to comfortably incorporate gay activities, and in some cases outside sexual activity, into the marriage. Honesty in all areas is the key ingredient to keeping these marriages together.

Nan, a straight spouse, acknowledges that her and her husband's sexual life is less satisfying, but that it is compensated by the greater value she places on the intimacy, warmth and friendship they now share.

Because of the widespread prejudice against homosexuality, and the commonly

held belief that a married person with children can not possibly be gay, the straight spouse is often left feeling isolated and stigmatized and therefore is hesitant to seek help. Many major cities have support and advocacy groups for gays. However, straight spouses struggle to locate a group or another person in their situation.

The good news is that recently there has been increased public awareness about the trauma straight spouses experience in mixed sexual orientation marriages. More and more counseling, self-help groups and on-line support are becoming available to straight spouses.

For more information about the Straight Spouse Network, an international support group that helps partners and families cope constructively with issues relating to gaystraight relationships, see the web site www.ssnetwk.org, or call Amity Buxton at 510-525-0200, or this writer at 330869-5279.

Carolyn Helmuth, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor in Akron, and the Ohio representative of the Straight Spouse Network.

Community Groups

The "Community Groups” columns on these pages are published by the Gay People's Chronicle free of charge, as a public service. They are written by members or officers of each non-profit organization, reflecting the views of their group.

If your organization would like to submit a column for this page, contact the Chronicle at 216-631-8646, tollfree 800-426-5947, or e-mail editor @chronohio.com.

Why Here is Better Than There (Reason=13)

You've seen the ads. A ruddy fellow in a modish suit, escaping a German sportscar, toasting his leggy escort with a highball made of a cheap but ultra-chic brand of cognac. He's smoking yellowbanded cigar. Not a cigar sized to his face, but a Yule log. He's grinning in a selfinflated way.

a

Absurd?

Even a Spanishspeaking Chihuahua is less asinine.'

True to these idiotic times, other men's stores feel obliged to offer empty headednessnothing more. Why?

So you'll feel at ease with spending too much for too little.

Quite unlike M. Lang, where truth is stranger than fiction. Where our U.S.P. is: better styles, better fit, better prices. And where 100% wool suits start at $279.

It's that rational. Naked truth: here is better than there.

M. Lang Executive Attire. You Know You Could Look Better.

1275 EUCLID AVENUE (ACROSS FROM THE WYNDHAM HOTEL) 771-4197 www.mlang.com